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Lead image: Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift are BFFs (and isn't that cute!?!In 1935, Willy Müller invented the world's first automatic answering machine.Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you I'm sorry, I've been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number... B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother's maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. 01/20/05 - wynand from south africa: mmmm just testing 01/19/05 - BRITT N CASS from THE INTERNET: GOD MAD MUD GOD MADE DIRT GOD MADE BOYS SO I KIN FLIRT!!!

He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. Please begin your message with your Master Card or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 01/31/05 - budda from too stoned, AZ: hey, like leave a message, or something, or don't , i don't care. No one is avaliable to take your call, so leave a message, don't make it long, and we'll call you back when you buy a thong! This is an asnwering machine message so leave your message after the tone!!! (pause) i'm not here right now so leave a message and i'll call you back! ) 12/07/04 - miki from : hi, uh, well, um, (stammers) I-i'm ______, and ,er, this is the answering m-machine your t-talking t-to so um, ya? 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: Hello, I am not able to come to the phone right now...well, actually, I'm at the phone....recording this message.you're hearing it later..I can't be there..I am here now..gosh, this is so confusing...It weighed 10 pounds and held 20 messages on a reel-to-reel tape.Sadly, most people who use answering machines or voice mail have the standard greeting of, "Hi, this is ____. Leave a message and I'll get back to you." Isn't that boring?If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.

If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP (To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.

And when it's time to go to the mall Girl: I need to go shopping.

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